“Yes, sir, I have the campaign pitch prepared. I think you’re gonna love it, sir. We’re plucking the heartstrings on this one. We—”
“Yes, sir, I know you wanted a brand refresh. And our research indicates you’re right as always, sir. It’s definitely time to spruce up the image of Father’s Day. And we’re think—”
“What’s that, sir? No sir, absolutely not. Nothing too woke. That’s just it, sir, the research tells us it’s time for a brand refresh that reasserts traditional values. We won’t actually say ‘Father Knows Best,’ but—
“Well yes, of course, I guess we actually could say that, sir. Let me get back to you with some creative. But meanwhile, let me tell you about our ideas of the new fatherhood ideal.
First, facial hair. This is a tricky one. The great dads have always been clean-shaven, so you can see their strong jaws. A lot of women think a man with a beard has something to hide. But the kids these days, they’ve all got these freaky hipster beards, you know, wispy, curly things, they—”
“Yes sir, very untidy. But we’ll do them one better, sir. Our Dad will have a dark beard trimmed very short. Generation spanning. Modern, yet traditional. Masculine, yet tidy. It—”
“That’s true, sir, although I don’t think we want to mention any comparison to Vice President J.D. Vance. Well, yes, sir, I suppose he must have strong views on fatherhood, given his strong views on motherhood, but—”
“Oh, three children? Well, good for him. And Mrs. Vance too, of course. Let’s, um, let’s keep him in mind as we evolve the imaging.
Now regarding profession. We think traditional job roles are out: doctor, lawyer, teacher, scientist — they’re all so elitist. I mean, everybody is just over them. So—”
“Yes, sir, an advertising executive would, indeed, be an excellent choice. But with an eye to merchandising we recommend a hard-driving businessman — someone who commands success. You remember, sir, early impetus for the adoption of Father’s Day came from the pipe and slipper industries. But they’re a bit tired. We’re thinking more of an innovative—”
“No, sir, we hadn’t thought of Elon—”
“Yes, sir, I’m sure he also has strong views on fatherhood. Fourteen? Really? Well. Yes, sir, truly an inspiration. Odd there’s no Tesla minivan. But sir, we’ve gone in a different direction. A bold and imaginative direction. If I may say, sir, a daring direction.
More on Broadview:
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A pair of secondhand red shoes helped me appreciate my father
We’re going to create an AI Dad. It will—”
“Sir, please, hear me out. This is a dad everyone will want. We’ve licensed reassuring voice characterizations from the estate of James Earl Jones, the warm smile from Rachel McAdams and sir, best of all, we’ve got exclusive rights to Ryan Gosling’s eye twinkle!
And think of the merchandising, sir! We’ll control all rights to the assembled image! Pipes and slippers are only the start. Think of the video games! The apps! ‘Need some advice from your loving father? Download AI Dad! He’s always there for you!’
Everyone will want a piece of us, sir. We’ll own Father’s Day!”
“Really sir? You’re really proud of me? You mean it?”
“Oh, I can’t tell you how much I’ve wanted to hear that, sir. Thank you, sir. Thank you.”
“Oh heck, I’m just gonna… if I may, sir… Thanks, dad.”
***
Douglas Tindal is an experienced grandson, son, father and grandfather, and a semi-experienced writer living in Haliburton. He is the author of Tales from Wine on the Porch, a collection of humorous short stories which he believes makes an outstanding Father’s Day gift.
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